It is like there are three people in one self.
Person 1: “The Normal”
It is when I can go to classes, do internship, do assignments, socialize with each other, and function well. It is when I can think clearly and it’s like I do not have any mental health problems. It is the version of me that most of people know. The girl who you can rely on psychometrics, who do graphic designs, who have a dream of studying abroad. The girl who you can joke with and share story to.
Person 2: “The Hypomanic — Extreme Up”
It is when I think I could get my thesis done while still doing internship and still have to attend classes with a hard final assignments. It is when I feel so much energy that I want to run. It is when I talk way way way faster than the usual. It is when I came up with so many ideas-even the impossible one. It is when I do things that I usually would not do, just because at that time I want to do it, which later I would deeply regret.
The person 3: “The Depressive-Extreme Down”
It is when I am struggling to get up from bed, not because I am lazy but just because it is REALLY HARD. It is when I had a proper sleep but I feel REALLY EXHAUSTED when I woke up. It is when I really could not concentrate, I would stare on my laptop for hours. It is when I’m crying, screaming, sometimes for no reason. I could cry for hours. It is when I do not have interest in things that I used to have interest. It is when I do not have any appetite and lose weight. It is when I avoid many social interaction because the idea of talking with another person frightens me. It is when I try so hard to find reasons why I have to keep going in life. It is when I struggle just to live. It is when I’m that near to kill myself. Even though sometimes it comes to my mind that:
I do not really want to die, I just want the pain to stop.
And the changes from person to person could be in a day, an hour, or even a second. Sometimes the medicine help, sometimes it does not.
So what keeps me fighting?
It is because I still want to make my parents proud of me and try to make them happy. I want them to see me get my bachelor and master degree, I want them to see me success and achieve many things in life, and I want them to smile because of me.
It is because the never ending support from those who really care. Those who always remind me that I am loved and my life is precious. Those who tolerates. Those who understands. Those who listens.
It is because I still want to achieve many things in life,
and I know, that:
My disorder does not define who I am.